Heavy Handed Nonsense

by Wizards of Boat

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about

A collection of previously unreleased material including unfinished song ideas, cover songs recorded for a radio show, songs released during a Song-A-Week experiment and much more! Arguably some of the best music yet.

credits

released August 1, 2014

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about

Wizards of Boat Lafayette, Louisiana

Two brain halves of the same man hurtled backwards through time from another dimension, Wizards of Boat steal top of the charts hooks and melodies from the future to save humanity. Sometimes different, never the same, and always pushing the limits of infinity, Wizards of Boat go where other bands don't bother. It is, most likely, something you've never heard. ... more

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Track Name: Mission Statement
These are the words to this song
And they're all about what's going on
Gonna write a new song every week
And we're never gonna break our streak

This is our mission statement
New song every week
This is our mission statement
And they're all gonna be as good as this one

We think we've got what it takes
To make it happen
We've got to fly over a lake of songs
And our bird wings are flappin'

Songs
Words
Rhythm
Harmony
Drums
Melody
Guitar
Thoughts

(inspirational solo)

This is our mission statement
New song every week
This is our mission statement
And they're all gonna be as good as this one

This is our mission statement
New song every week
This is our mission statement
All gonna be as good as this one

As good as this one
Track Name: Dancefloor Alien
There's an alien on the dance floor
There's an alien on the dance floor
He was always there did you see him before?
He was always there did you see him before?

He's bad.
He's super-bad.
He's an alien dancer.

His feet are so...flyin' around.
Track Name: The Sunken City
Surrounded by architecture
And the beauty of the sea
And spending their days enjoying
All the bounties of their luxury

They knew they were strong and they knew they were wise
And their culture would live on
And their civilization in the heart of the ocean
Would never die
But they were wrong, 'cuz

These are the days of destruction and death
And, of their world, there will soon be nothing left

The waves have washed all their progress away
So many years of history erased in just one day

Washed it all away
Erased in just one day

These are the days of destruction and death
There will soon be nothing left

These are the days of destruction and death
So many waves and there's nothing left

Washed it all away
Erased in just one day
Track Name: Le Traffique
This is how I choose to spend my day
Searching high and low to find delays
Letting people know the different ways
To avoid them

I'll be the eye in the sky
For the average guy
There's a pile-up due to reckless jerks
So let me tell you how to get to work

If you're headed to the new cider mill
Forget it!
There's a chemical spill.
When the bridge your on goes out
I've got the answers

Look at all the traffic westbound
There's got to be a way around
I use my knowledge of radio and alternate routes
To sort this mother out

I'll be the eye in the sky
For the average guy
There's a pile-up due to reckless jerks
So let me tell you how to get to work
Track Name: My Larry, Uh (Wedding Version)
Oh!
My Larry, uh.
My Larry, uh.
Oh!
My Larry, uh.

Oh!
My Larry, uh.
My Larry, uh.
Oh!
My Larry, uh.

I got something to tell you
My Larry, uh.
I got a disease
My Larry, uh.
I can't tell you what it is
My Larry, uh.
So just leave me be
My Larry, uh.
I got it from a mosquito
My Larry, uh.
So take me to the hospito
My Larry, uh.
My Larry, uh.

Alas, I die
Alas, I die
Alas, I die
Alas, I die
Alas, I die
Alas, I die
Alas, I die
Alas, I die

Alas, Alice
Alas, Alice

And now I'm in heaven
Alice, Oh yeah!
And my bread is leavened
Alice, Oh yeah!

Alas, I die
A lass is a girl
A lad is a boy
Aladdin had a lamp

Aladdin had a lamp
He rubbed it with his hand
And out came the genie
And he gave him this command

Worms.
Track Name: Hypersomnia
Her tiny hand touches me
So warm, so soft, so deep
I follow her to a vast dark sea

I find myself floating on the waves
Waving good night

Good night to the world

She is with me
Though I am alone
Yet, I am not alone

Her song fills my every movement now
Now I am free

When I awake I will say to her
We will meet again at the end of the day

I am not alone
I am not alone
I am still asleep
So warm, so soft, so deep
Track Name: Maneater
She'll only come out at nights
The lean and hungry type
Nothing is new
I've seen her here before
Watching and waiting
Ooh, she's sittin' with you
But her eyes are on the door

So many have paid to see
What you think
You're gettin' for free
The woman is wild
A she-cat tamed
By the purr of a Jaguar
Money's the matter
If you're in it for love
You ain't gonna get too far

(Oh-oh, here she comes)
Watch out boy
She'll chew you up
(Oh-oh, here she comes)
She's a maneater
(Oh-oh, here she comes)
Watch out boy
She'll chew you up
(Oh-oh, here she comes)
She's a maneater

I wouldn't if I were you
I know what she can do
She's deadly man
She could really rip your world apart
Mind over matter
The beauty is there
But a beast is in the heart
Oooh!

(Oh-oh, here she comes)
Watch out boy
She'll chew you up
(Oh-oh, here she comes)
She's a maneater
(Oh-oh, here she comes, watch out)
Watch out boy
She'll chew you up
(Oh-oh, here she comes)
She's a maneater

(Oh-oh, here she comes)
Here she comes
Watch out boy
She'll chew you up
(Whoa-oh, here she comes
(Watch out) she's a maneater
(Oh-oh, here she comes)
(She's a maneater)
Ooh, she'll chew you up
(Oh-oh, here she comes)
Here she comes, she's a maneater
(Oh-oh, here she comes)
(Watch out)
The woman is wild, whoooa
(Oh-oh, here she comes)
Here she comes
Watch out boy, watch out boy
(Oh-oh, here she comes)
Oh, watch out, watch out
Watch out, watch out
(Oh-oh, here she comes)
Oh, she's a maneater
Track Name: Eternisty
Eternasty
Clawstiny

In a time pre-humanity
The thunder lizards trampled all in sight
Why they died is a mystery
But when they lived the earth shook with their might

And all the other creatures bowed to their superiority
They understood the nature of their plight

And I have seen
And I have heard the evidence
Of their majestic reign upon our mother earth

Eternal dynasty
Clawing at destiny

We will see through their eyes
When we're facing our demise

Every last one of the dinosaurs
Turned their gaze toward the sky that night
And they watched powerless
As their doom approached, unstoppable and threatening their

Eternal dynasty
Clawing at destiny

I have seen
I have heard
They all lived on as birds

We will see through their eyes
When we're facing our demise

Eternal dynasty
Clawing at destin-
Track Name: My Whole Thing
My whole life revolves around the songs I write
And once I start I'm not satisfied till it sounds alright

My whole life revolves around the songs I write
If music was a girl I'd hold her hand all night

And her melody a smile would keep me company for a while
Until the chorus of her eyes would see me through to the sunrise

My whole life revolves around the songs I write
And once I start I'm not satisfied till it sounds alright

My whole life revolves around the songs I write
My whole thing is that I kinda sound like Sting

I kinda sound like Sting
I kinda sound like Sting
I kinda sound like Sting
I wish I sound like Sting
Track Name: The Last Song
I'm so fucking tired of writing songs
And I thought we could do this
But I was wrong
And I barely even managed to get this one done
And I wrote just one verse
And there won't b another one 'cuz
I'm so fucking tired of writing songs
And I thought we could do this
But I was wrong
Track Name: Hanging By His Hair
Helpless and hanging around
Inches away from the ground
Where I'm gonna be found
By my father

It's kinda cloudy and gray
Soon they'll be coming my way
Maybe it's better this way
For my father

In front of his family and friends
I killed my brother and then
I tried to do it again
To my father

Soon I'm gonna be dead
But I slept in his bed
With his women and said,
"Fuck you!" father

I never thought that I would be
Discovered in a hardwood tree
Hanging by my hair above
A matching pair of turtle doves
Track Name: Nice Thing (Wedding Version)
I was walkin' outside at the beach one day
When I got something wrapped around my leg
I didn't even know what the hell it was
But it sprayed ink all over my face

I threw it back into the water
So that it wouldn't die

‘Cuz I did a nice thing for a squid
Who did something mean to me
The thing I did to a squid was nice
But what he did was mean

I was layin’ on a hammock ‘cuz I broke my knees
When a poor old squirrel climbed on top of me
He threw a giant nut at my cryin’ face
And I just didn't know what to say

So I gave him a diamond
‘Cuz I didn't want him to be poor no more

‘Cuz I threw a nice thing to a squirrel
Who threw something mean to me
The thing I hurled to a squirrel was nice
But what he hurled was mean

I was at a sci-fi convention
Bearing only good intentions
When this little nerd who said I had cut in line
Pulled my hair and started to whine

I don’t know why but I didn't even mind
And I let him get his comic book signed

‘Cuz I did a nice thing for a square
Who did something mean to me
I didn't pull the hair of a square
Who pulled the hair of me

I’m just a nice guy in a world
That’s full of stuff that’s mean
Like I always say
If they kick you when your down don’t frown
Just laugh and turn the other cheek
Track Name: All About the Benjamin
High watt bulb in my nightlight
Got an idea
Put a key on a kite string
Summoning up lightning
Help me come up with electricity
So, you can see at night because of me

Made the streetlamp
Set the price of the stamp
If you'r wondering who to be thankin'
That would be Mr. Ben Franklin

You know that counterfittin' it isn't legit
And I needed a system to be
Stopping'em from printing
Milions of billions of dollars of money

So I laced'm up with gold
And I molded'em with old
Leaves that I found
On the ground
So, thus was how I made it
Harder to be duplicatin' money

Made the streetlamp
Set the price of the stamp
If you'r wondering who to be thankin'
That would be Mr. Ben Franklin

It was self evident to me
That I knew that I would need
Bifocals to be able to read
And to see what I needed to see
If the thing in the destance wasn't close enough to me

So I cut two glasses up
Took a sip from my cup
And I put'em back together
With far-sighted on the bottom
And near-sighted on the top
So could see what I was tryin' to
Whenever I want

Made the streetlamp
Set the price of the stamp
If you'r wondering who to be thankin'
That would be Mr. Ben Franklin

I would like to evenly bake
All the chicken or the steak
That I make
But I don't want it to take
Five hours of my day
I knew that the oven I'd be lovin'
Would be coming soon
But you know I couldn't wait

Took the design in my mind
To the assembly line
My convection oven
Passed inspection
An equation that is perfection
For chicken
Track Name: Let's Booty Rock
Let's booty rock
Everybody's cock

Let's touch
Your butt
Track Name: Wahoo
Wahoo
Wahoo
Wahoo
Wahoo
Track Name: Space Danger
This is a dangerous situation
I'm stranded deep in outer space
I've got no engines and no space food
Just a long long beard on my chin

I need to find a way
To get back to planet Earth
I have some tools
It's time to get to work

This will take all my skills and knowledge
To pull this off without crashing into the sun
I hope I can figure it out
But I'm not a rocket scientist
I'm just a brain surgeon

I'll only get one chance to get this right
To make it back to the world that I call home
So if I'm not back there by tonight
I'll just have to sleep alone
Track Name: The Journey
I'm going on vacation
I'm going on vacation

Gonna take some time for myself
Gonna take some time for myself
Gonna take some time for myself
Gonna take some time for myself

I'm going on vacation
I'm going on vacation

I'm leaving to day
I'm leaving the cell-phone at the office

I'm not gonna stay
I'm leaving to day
I'm leaving the cell-phone at the office

I'll be far away
I'm leaving to day
I'm leaving the cell-phone at the office

I'm leaving the cell-phone

I'm going to Florida
I'm going to Florida

I'm going on vacation
Gonna take some time for myself
I'm leaving the cell-phone at the office

I'm going on vacation
Gonna take some time for myself
Not gonna stay
I'll be far away
I'm going to Florida
Track Name: The Shooted
The bullet pierced my breast
And I gasped for my last breath
But it never came

I was dead before I hit the ground
And I never heard the sound
Of the gunshot that stole my life from me

I can't even understand
Why someone would want to shoot me
I'm generally a pretty nice guy
And I was just going to rent a movie

I didn't deserve this
I think I was mistaken for somebody else
I was just a gym coach
With no enemies and moderate wealth

I should have been in favor of gun control
This could have been avoided with gun control
No accidents can happen with gun control
I should have been in favor of gun control
Track Name: Insomnia
Send me back to sleep
Don't pull me from that stream
Lead me back to my dream
I wanna go home
I don't want to be alone

I've been away for so long
Please let me return to the sea
And I've been awake for so long
Please touch me again set me free

So warm
So soft
So deep

I've been awake now for so long
I have forgotten her song

Send me back to sleep
Don't pull me from that stream
Lead me back to my dream
I wanna go home
I don't want to be alone
I wanna go back to sleep
I wanna go home
I don't want to be alone
I wanna go back to sleep
I wanna go home
I wanna go home
I wanna go back to sleep
Track Name: The Cool Guy
I'm poppin' wheelies all day
'Cuz I got me a dirt bike
I ride around the neighborhood
On my dirt bike

Peel out on your front lawn
on my dirt bike

This is the thing you can't believe
It's my dirt bike

Kickstand straight up your ass

I believe in my dirt bike

You've got to understand

My whole life is my dirt bike

Check out this trick I learned
On my dirt bike

Stand back you might get burned
By my dirt bike

It's pretty dangerous

I am the king
Of jumping on my dirt bike

And I will own this ramp
With my dirt bike

I'm catching major air
Track Name: Robot Catering (Wedding Version)
Da dada da nda
Da dada da nda

Robot Catering
A simple program for the food to bring
Hors d'oeuvres, bowls of punch
Breakfast, dinner, even lunch

How would you like to try
A finger sandwich served by an android
Or maybe a deviled egg brought to you
By the hand of an imitation man

Or would you like to dance
We provide a DJ or robotic band
And here's our guarantee
It's 100% synthetic humanity

Call us today
We'll be on our way
Call us today

Da dada da nda
Da dada da nda
Track Name: The Ghost of Golf
The ghost of golf has come to make all of the holes
That only golf can fill
A stick, a ball, just add an open field
With just one swing you try and make the green

One thousand, five hundred, twenty-two years
Without the sport of golf
And the spirit returned

Banished to the depths of hell
He broke the spell and he would not tell
Why he was expelled from the ancient world
Of two thousand and twelve

One thousand, five hundred, twenty-two years
Without the sport of golf
And the spirit returned
Track Name: Rebuttal
Why did you steal our stuff
You fuckin' maniac
I can't believe you would do that
What did we ever do to you
So bring us our stuff back
You stupid piece of shit
It's...fuckin'...un-cool
How could you do that to us

Shorty, I gotta honestly say
I wish you hadn't robbed our house
I kinda wanna kick you in the face
I'm just glad you were too stupid to steal the stuff that really mattered
But I still think I oughta say

Fuck crime
Fuck crime
Fuck crime
Fuck crime
Fuck crime
Fuck crime

Hey Shorty, why do they call you Shorty?
Is it 'cuz you got a really small ding-dong
Come on give us back our stuff
You know, the stuff you took from our house
Give us back our Micky Mouse watch
Give us back our bike
Give us back our DVD player
Give us back our high school ring
Give us back our pennies nickels and dimes
Give us back our random DVD's
Give us back our expensive guitar pedal
Give us back that bite of those Pop-Tarts

I guess you can keep the window units
'Cuz we don't need'em anymore
'Cuz now we got central AC
No, on second thought, you don't deserve'em
So give us'em back, you fuck
And pay close attention to me

Fuck crime
Fuck crime
Fuck crime
Fuck crime
Fuck crime
Fuck crime
Fuck crime
Fuck crime
Fuck crime

Hey everybody, Shorty sucks
Track Name: There is No Santa Claus (Wedding Version)
Listen up son
I got something to tell ya
I got something to say
It'll blast your feeble mind

Hahaha!

There is no Santa Claus.
There is no Santa Claus.
There is no Santa Claus.
There is no Santa Claus.

Well, I know that you thought
That you saw him last year
But in reality
It was only me

Every year I dress like Santa Claus
And I give you lots of presents but
You never give me any credit

There is no Santa Claus.
There is no Santa Claus.
There is no Santa Claus.
There is no Santa Claus.

I am your Santa Claus
I am your Santa Claus
I am your Santa Claus
I am your Santa Claus
Track Name: The Thunderjack Kid
To sink them in top
Secured you my woman to a train track

I travel in on this horse
To regulate score
You mean outlaw

To sink them in top
Secured you my woman to a train track
Track Name: Weight-Lifting Lulu
Sweet scented woman, your strange sounding name
Was Weight Lifting Lulu, but I'm not to blame
For putting the gun in your grand-daddy's hand
As he was imprinting your face in the sand.

The part of the pork chop that you left behind,
Has given me breakfast and rendered me blind;
I still want you, baby, and I miss you so much.
I hated your body, but I needed your touch.

Weight Lifting Lulu
Is under the lawn
Weight Lifting Lulu
Forever is gone.
Track Name: The Ultimate Commision
I don't know where I should start
To turn this ceiling into a work of art

I've painted god above
Giving life to Adam with a single touch

I've got to paint this chapel for the Lord

I think I'm doing pretty well
I've shown eternal suffering in hell
And the joy we will find in paradise
I think the Pope will say it turned out very nice

I've got to paint this chapel for the Lord

I will be remembered forever as the master of the Sistine
I am the single greatest painter that the Vatican has ever seen
Track Name: S.C.U.B.A.
Underwater world
You do it for me
So much to swim around
So much to see

S-C-U-B-A
Spells deep blue fun
E-V-E-R-Y-O-N-E
Spells everyone

everything looks blue
In the deep blue sea
Apart from certain fishes
And sea anemones

(S-C-U-B-A)
S-C-U-B-A
(I-S-S-U)
Spells deep blue fun
(P-E-R-F)
E-V-E-R-Y-O-N-E
(U-N)
Spells everyone

Al my best friends
Are breathing through gills
I have to breath through a tube in my mouth

Underwater world
You do it for me
So much to swim around
So much to see
Track Name: Wild Goose Inn (Wedding Version)
I saw this in a dream
It was just like this
I saw this in a dream

You believe me, don't you?
You don't think I'm crazy?
I believe you.
You believe me? You're crazy!

The only demons in this town
Are assholes who try to create them

Next time we hunt bears
You seem to put the whole piece together, have you?
I'm just trying to make conversation.
Well, you're sure doing a shitty job

What the hell's going on here?
Who the hell are you?